Dr Fabienne - Blog

Feeling stuck?

Fri, 24 May 2024 01:49:48 GMT

So many people feel really stuck, agonising over which decision to make, and swimming in stress, anxiety, worry, overthinking, anger, fretful sleep and even depression.

Image by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

Amongst my clients, some are in the midst of their marriage/relationship crumbling, agonising over whether to stay or leave.

Others are debating whether to return to work or not after maternity leave. Others whether to resign or not because juggling career and motherhood is relentless. Others whether to leave or not a controlling relationship.

All are hard situations. Each of these clients felt stuck, having struggled for months to make a decision.

Each one of them was waiting to feel that ‘the’ decision was right before they made any decision.

Feeling stuck means we live in uncertainty and the human brain really does not like uncertainty.

It causes us to feel anxious, struggling to breathe, feeling tightness in our chest and shoulders, fuzziness in the mind.

We can feel fidgety, on edge, agitated, restless and those feelings make it harder for us to think straight and make clear decisions.

One thing that I personally find very useful and that I share with my clients is to remind myself when I feel stuck that clarity comes AFTER action.

It is not chicken and egg. One must come before the other.

When you feel stuck, clarity about whether a decision is right or wrong usually only comes much further down the line.

Say, you invest money in stock and shares, you won't know whether your investment will pay off until much, much later.

There are things you can do to mitigate the risks, but you won't know for sure whether your investment will pay off for a long time.

Since we often don't know how our decisions will turn out until much later, waiting to know that things will work out before you do anything is a recipe for staying stuck.

The thing is, feeling better come AFTER action. Clarity comes AFTER action.

We often wait for the feelings to come before we start doing something and this waiting is what keeps us stuck and experiencing uncomfortable feelings. We’ve got it the wrong way around!

For example, clients often say to me that they wait until they feel confident before doing something new or something that scares them or that they feel unsure about.

But, confidence comes from action, from doing. The more you do the thing, the better at it you get and the more confident you feel.

I know that. You know that. We all know that. Yet, we often forget it.

People know that to feel confident about something you have to practise it, repeat it until you become competent at it.

That’s how you learned to walk, talk, ride a bike, drive a car and everything else you do well in your life.

The sme applies to motivation. People often wait to feel motivated before they go to the gym. It is the action of going that gives you motivation.

The more you go, the more motivated you will feel and the more you will go, if you experience the gym as a beneficial thing.

I, for one, never feel motivated to go to the gym:), but I don't value the gym, but I do feel motivated to do yoga, because the more I do it, the better I feel and the better I feel, the more motivated I am to do it. That's how it works!

Waiting to feel motivated before you go will result in you not going.

The same applies to anxiety. Anxiety will subside when you take action on the SPECIFIC thing that worries you, communicating to the brain that that thing is being taken care of and that loop can begin to close.

The same applies to anger. If you do not take action to address what is at the root of the anger (and it is not the kids not listening, though that can be very frustrating!), you will feel stuck in the anger that will keep rising over and over again.

When we feel stuck, we often struggle to do anything. Hence indecision!

We often stay in the yucky feelings. We avoid these uncomfortable feelings and resist them, wanting them to go away.

That just makes it all worse and then, we feel even more debilitated because the feelings we were trying to avoid come back up even stronger.

So whether you're struggling with what to do when it looks like your relationship is coming to an end or feeling anxiety about going to places where there are new people or what to do about a bullying boss or whatever is keeping you stuck, remember that clarity comes after action, that feeling better comes after action.

In short, take action. Do something!

However, there is one more twist. When we are stuck, we feel out of control and we can seek to exert control in various ways.

For example, turning to food or alcohol or endless scrolling will not ease the anxiety.

Or giving your partner the silent treatment will not ease the discomfort you are feeling.

That's trying to exert control in the wrong place!

A client reported to me how going out with friends (the action she took) did not help her feel unstuck with whether to stay or leave her marriage.

Of course, not, because, whilst it was a beneficial thing to do for herself, it is not directly related to doing something specific about her marriage problems.

Taking action doesn't mean doing any old random thing or latching on to the one thing you are drawn to want to control at that time.

In therapy sessions, for example, exerting control in the wrong place can look like clients trying to control the direction of the session and insisting we work on one thing when it is clear they need to work on another.

Uncertainty and fear have taken over and the need to control one thing (anything) feels temporarily better, until they realise that the thing they are avoiding keeps coming up.

So, taking action means

focusing specifically on THE thing that is causing you to feel the way you do (the yucky thing you don’t want to deal with, but needs your attention),
identifying specifically what needs to be addressed (the feeling is not the problem),
identifying what you can do about it
and then (that's the kicker!) …. go and do that!

If the action is related to the actual root of the problem, that is, the actual need not being met that the yucky feeling is signalling,

then the yucky feelings will subside and new somewhat more pleasant feelings will arise.

If the action you take is about distracting yourself, avoiding or resisting or otherwise attempting to exert control on matters unrelated to the problem,

then the yucky feelings will resurface….and with a vengeance, the more you avoid it.

So, doing something does not mean doing just anything.

This is not the same as jumping out of a plane without a parachute.

If the action is directly linked to the underlying cause of the problem, the action will be your parachute and you will feel a little better.

The mind can calm down because a loop has been closed, as the problem is beginning to be addressed.

So, when I feel stuck, I remind myself that clarity and feeling better are on the other side of taking action, that I have not taken action and that I need to do so.

It can be hard and scary, for sure, but we can all do hard things. Then, the reward comes.

Where are you feeling stuck and what SPECIFICALLY can you do to address that?

How mother's day keeps mothers invisible

Fri, 10 May 2024 01:03:38 GMT

As mother’s day approaches in Australia, a day when society elevates mothers to a position of admiration and respect, I can’t help but think about how invisible mothers remain the rest of the time.

In Victorian times, mothers were kept hidden in photographs with their babies, posing as chairs, curtains and other paraphernalia. These mothers are easy to miss, but once you 'see' them, you get that unsettling feeling that perhaps things haven't changed all that much. Mothers are still invisible in today's society.

Leora and Leota Lamb, twins from Fountain City, Indiana, on their mother’s lap, 1897. Image courtesy of the Indiana Album

The motherhood experience is one largely relegated to the home, the private sphere, where it is kept unseen. Work, business, achievements, men’s issues, policy and politics are in the public sphere, but motherhood is stuck squarely in the private sphere, with challenges related to it being treated as personal issues rather than societal and public matters. By virtue of motherhood being treated as a woman’s private domain, the reality of modern motherhood remains largely invisible.

The maternal mandate dictates that, just by virtue of being a woman, having children is what a woman should want. It is seen as the natural order of things. A woman who decides to remain childless by choice is seen as suspicious and odd. There must be something wrong with her.

But it is not enough to want to have children. You are expected to have them early in life. Should you decide to have children later in life, your choices are questioned, as you are constantly reminded of being a ‘geriatric’ mother. You may have more life experience and be a bit more savvy than you were in your early 20s, but, then, the message goes (in a circular argument), you should have known better than to have a child late in life. Geriatric mothers, alongside women who are childless by choice, are dragged out into the light as an example of what one should not do.

When a woman does have children, she is expected to find motherhood natural, easy and instinctive. Nothing to see here. Business as usual. The proverbial maternal instincts will kick in, she is told, despite the fact that research has shown that there is no such thing as an automatic-maternal-instinct switch that gets flicked the moment you birth a child. Instead, there is a restructuring of a mother’s brain that primes her for motherhood, but this priming of the ground requires learning by experience and example. Thus, leaving mothers to handle it all alone and in private makes no sense. As anthropologist Dana Raphael pointed out in the 1970s, long before neuroscience research debunked the myth of maternal instincts, 'giving birth does not make a mother out of a woman.'

Still, the picture of the woman taking to motherhood effortlessly and easily is prevalent and highly visible. It is treated as something she should be able to navigate alone, with little to no help, behind closed doors. She will know just what to do, just because she is a woman and, should she struggle, this is taken as reflecting her own individual flaws and failure rather than as part of the normal, natural motherhood experience.

She is expected to be the perfect mother who sacrifices herself and her needs, not just for basic needs such as sleep, healthy nutrition and exercise, but also for social connection, purpose, personal passions and interests, as her needs are supposed to be met entirely met by motherhood. She is expected to run the home and do the million and one invisible things required to ensure the smooth running of family life effortlessly and with a smile on her face, silencing any difficulties she may have.

The mother who is utterly sleep-deprived, who is far too busy to eat a proper meal and only has time to pick at the kids’ plates, who never rests and has no interests of her own and no social life is celebrated as a good mother who puts her children first and herself last. She is not in the picture. Again, nothing to see here!

The reality of the relentless physical, mental and emotional demands of motherhood is kept invisible. As actress Emma Thompson once said talking about having children, given the gap between the idealised picture of motherhood and the hugely unrealistic expectations society has of mothers, ‘if I had known, I am not sure I would have had them’.

Ideally, the mother will stay at home looking after the children, the only thing that she should care about. Given the current climate and modern society, she may have to go to work and earn her share, but work should never be seen to interfere with her children and her ability to be a good mother. She has to be seen to be holding it all together.

Many people still balk at a woman daring to breastfeed in public, many still arguing this should be done in private. A good mother should keep a spotless home for any potential visitors to see, irrespective of how depleted and exhausted she is.

At work, she may be shamed and accused of slacking and 'leaving early' if she has to collect her sick children from school (the private sphere of motherhood inconveniently impacting the public sphere of work), and of not pulling her weight because the hours that she will put in late into the night to catch up will remain invisible, along with the many hours of unpaid domestic and emotional labour she performs weekly. Her struggles will most likely remain silent and invisible.

A mother’s worth is measured by how well her children behave in public and how much she is seen to give them. This was recently illustrated by interviews in the mainstream news in which some psychologists advised parents of the psychological and emotional damage of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) sustained by children who could not get tickets to a Taylor Swift Australian concert or whose parents simply could not afford such tickets.

Many of my clients expressed the guilt they experienced at not being able to buy such tickets for their children, thinking they were failing them. Showing how exhausted and how guilty she feels at not doing enough for her children seems to be an acceptable public display of how much a mother sacrifices herself. We celebrate the martyr mum.

As mothers navigate later years, beyond being exhausted, they are expected to have bounced back and are actively discouraged from expressing publicly that they are struggling, that motherhood is really hard. 'You chose to have kids' or 'why did you choose to have kids then?' being regular silencing techniques.

Mothers are kept in constant check by the dominant parenting ideology that demands that they dedicate all their time, money and energy to their children and by reminders that attachment must be constant and all-encompassing, despite research showing that it is a consistent lack or complete denial of close, sensitive care in the early years that can impact a child's development.

Still, mothers are expected to reach perfection, as the message remains that she is utterly responsible for how her children will turn out . She must remain invisible and dedicate herself entirely to her children at all times. Cue more mum guilt!

This idea of perfect, easy motherhood into which we are all socialised continues long into motherhood. As parenting and the home are seen largely as a woman’s domain, she is expected to handle the vast majority of childcare and household duties. Having a lot on does not even begin to describe the load a mother carries.

Clients often report that, when fathers/partners help, it is not uncommon for them to take on the visible parts of domestic labour such as laundry or dishwashing, whilst the mother still carries the bulk of the invisible mental and emotional load.

This perecption that motherhood should be natural, easy and instinctive, that there is such as a thing as a perfect mother, that no other public display of motherhood is acceptable means women internalise the idea that there is something wrong with them, that they are at fault, that they are broken and need fixing when they struggle.

As a result, they take on more to prove they measure up, only to become even more depleted and feel even more invisible. The unrealistic picture of motherhood stops them from advocating for themselves and from asking for help for fear of being labelled as bad mothers.

Should mothers express any kind of dissatisfaction with motherhood, their love for their children is questioned. A loving mother should only experience bliss and joy. If she experiences anything else, she is told she can't love her children enough. She is seen as a bad mother. More guilt!

When a mother does muster the courage to ask for help, oftentimes, she will be told that she is depressed, whether she feels that way or not, and that she needs to go on medication. All agency is taken out of her hands. There is little space for her to be heard and for her reality to be truly seen. Advice offered will tend to be baby centric. Again, she is invisible.

Just like that, mothers are kept invisible and silent. Social forces and the pressure to conform reinforce social norms and gendered expectations and stop us as a society from considering that the system is rigged against mothers, that treating motherhood as a private matter contributes to silencing mothers' realities and to increased rates of depression and burnout, that the status quo fosters an undoing of mental health and wellbeing that is passed on to our children, both girls and boys learning that this is what it means to be a mother.

Ultimately, we are socialised into the idea that motherhood is pure bliss and joy and that experiencing anything else is untoward and wrong. The ambivalence that characterises it is rarely acknowledged or mentioned prior to motherhood.

If pure bliss and joy are what mothers should feel, then, why are so many mothers struggling with anxiety, anger, resentment, burnout, guilt, shame, self doubt, feelings of inadequacy, isolation and depression? This is the reality of the many mothers, educated, intelligent women who love their children, that I see in my practice week after week.

Were the symptoms, struggles and challenges of motherhood be treated as normal effects of the major hormonal, psychological, social, economic, spiritual transition that childbearing and motherhood (not just new motherhood) actually are, it is likely that rates and levels of depression as well as isolation, burnout, feelings of inadequacy, anger, guilt and shame would drop. For that to happen, the reality of modern motherhood experience has to be made visible.

On Mother's day, we celebrate the sacrifices mothers make, we show appreciation for all they do, although others rarely know all that mothers actually do, and just like that, we reinforce the idea that sacrificing yourself is how you get recognised and temporarily appreciated. And the next day, it goes back to how it was.

Perfect motherhood is revered, but real motherhood is invisible and unvalued. Celebrating mothers one day a year reinforces how invisible mothers are.

https://www.drfabienne.com.au
https://www.facebook.com/groups/somuchmorethanamother

Why, as a career woman, you may struggle with motherhood

Thu, 09 May 2024 02:11:03 GMT

Becoming a mother is a transformative experience, one often assumed to be filled primarily with joy and bliss. However, if you are a career woman, such as many of my clients, the transition to motherhood can present unique obstacles that can shake your confidence and sense of self.

Identify shift: It is common for women to feel like they have lost themselves after becoming mothers and to feel like they have spit in two: the pre-baby woman and the mother. Successful career women have often built their identity around competence, efficiency, organisation and intelligence. Many of my clients report having imagined being able to take motherhood in their stride, at times treating it as a project to be planned, controlled and accomplished and being shocked that the reality did not match their expectations.

When pre-motherhood identity is unidimensional (career woman first and foremost), it can leave you unprepared for the chaotic, challenging and demanding realities of motherhood and for how your identity and priorities will shift. For many, it can feel like their foundations have been shaken and that they are now operating on shaky grounds.

Further, as society pushes the idea that motherhood is natural, easy and instinctive and that you will know what to do just because you are a woman (this is a myth), women are often familiar with the physical changes that motherhood will bring such as hormonal and bodily changes as well as sleep deprivation. However, they are often unprepared for the much wider impacts that motherhood will have on the way they think, feel and behave, on their relationships with their partners, if they have one, their family of origin, their friends and colleagues, on the way others perceive them, on their financial situation, on their personal and professional priorities, on the mental and emotional load they will carry and on their sense of self.

Contrary to popular belief, this profound shift in who you are and in all areas of your life is not limited to new mothers. It does not end after the first few months. You do not pick up after maternity leave just where you left off. Instead, it continues for many years, as mothers constantly have to adapt to each stage of motherhood. It is important to learn about how motherhood will change every area of your life so that you can be prepared and put the right support in place for the long term.

Loss of recognition: Whilst high-achieving women are used to being recognised and validated for their accomplishments, many mothers report feeling undervalued, invisible and like they don’t matter, as the childcare and household duties alongside the mental load that mothers carry often go unnoticed. This can be hard for women who are used to receiving external validation for their accomplishments, leading them to question their worth and sense of self. It is important to do the inner work to be able to experience internal validation and seek help from trusted friends, loved ones and professionals so you can build your strengths and explore who you really are outside the professional accolades.

Societal expectations: Societal expectations have women believe that they will be utterly fulfilled by motherhood and that all their needs will be met by having children. Yet, career women can struggle to reconcile the role of mother and the mundane day-to-day mothering tasks with their pre-baby identity and high-powered work projects, leaving them to feel that they are not doing anything valuable and that there is something wrong with them for wanting more. It is not uncommon to hear career women who have left work to say they are 'just a mum'.

It is important for women to recognise that having all your needs met entirely by your children is a fallacy, that your identity is multifaceted and that facets, interests and passions beyond motherhood need to be explored and pursued for women to remain connected to who they are.

It is also important to recognise that, as the workplace is, by and large, not set up to accommodate the demands of motherhood, mothers can feel under extreme pressure to meet both the relentless demands of motherhood and the demands of their jobs. Devotion to both careers and motherhood is demanded, leading to isolation, self doubt, burnout and often, anger and resentment.

Loss of control: Career women are used to solving problems, finding solutions and, importantly, succeeding. This requires a high degree of control of their lives and environment. Bringing a baby into the mix often means uncertainty, unpredictability and loss of control. In the first few years, there can be a loss of control of your time, your independence, your spontaneity, your social life, and perhaps your income, if you decide to be a stay-at-home mum for a while. ‘Success’ in motherhood is extremely hard to measure, as children may not behave in ways women had imagined or fit the image they had in mind.

Further, women’s devotion to their career and long working hours may also mean that they may have had little contact with children prior to becoming mothers themselves, leaving them unprepared for how much they will have to adapt their day, their routine and their lives. Loosening rigid notions of what motherhood should be like and how children should behave, Recognising that you can't control your children (even if you felt you could control a team or a board of directors at work), that you can't do it all by yourself and that you still matter will mean being prepared to ask for help, which will go a long way towards protecting your sanity.

Perfectionism: Whilst career women often strive for perfection, imperfection is a huge part of motherhood. The pursuit of excellence in the form of the perfect bedtime routine, sleep and eating patterns, perfect behaviour as children grow up and trying to live up to the image of the perfect mother into which we are socialised can lead to both internal and external conflict, as children push back against too much rigidity, and feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, anxiety and a sense of failure can rage inside.

Setting realistic expectations around being a good enough mother, not a perfect mother, getting clear on your values and your boundaries (both of which may have changed after you became a mother) and being open to the idea that no woman has this motherhood role nailed will help.

Isolation: Being devoted to their careers can mean being away from immediate family or a support network. Career women often move across cities or countries and can find themselves isolated, lonely and overwhelmed. Motherhood can also mean a loss of social life, particularly if their social network involved primarily other career people who are equally career-focused and/or childless women. It is essential to recognise that you will not be the only one struggling and to seek an appropriate support network (one that goes beyond how to look after the baby) where you can express your struggles and feel seen, heard and supported. Beyond mothers’ groups that can focus on the baby, there are supportive, non-judgemental and safe mother-centred women’s circles, women’s programs and therapy/coaching groups both face to face and online that can help.

If any of this resonates, know that you are not alone in your struggles, that there is nothing wrong with you and that, with awareness and understanding of the actual realities of (working) motherhood and the shifts it entails, kindness towards yourself and the right support and guidance, you can reconnect with yourself and feel seen, heard and valued and navigate motherhood on your own terms.

An Uncomfortable Truth: maternal Anger and Rage

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 03:12:37 GMT

Anger

Our society is obsessed with mothers experiencing joy and bliss. Adverts depict mums smiling, even though the kids have made a serious hole in the ceiling, or laughing at a huge mess that will require a lot of cleaning, joyfully cooking daily from scratch and revelling in every moment.

Movies show mothers happy and calm, despite doing the bulk of the household and childcare duties alongside their paid jobs for which there is always a major deadline that they somehow navigate easily, despite being depleted, getting little sleep or help.

Yet, away from the world of Hollywood and social media influencers, for so many, the tender moments can seriously be tempered by anger.

Although anger is a natural, normal, valid human emotion associated with injustice and protection, maternal anger is often misunderstood and shrouded in guilt and shame, hidden and experienced alone.

Anger is a complex emotion that can often mask other emotions such as fear, anxiety or guilt. Understanding what is at the root of it and what it communicates is therefore essential.

Many of my mother clients struggle with anger. They often report being shamed and told that they are crazy, that there is something wrong with them and being placed at either end of a spectrum: either bad mums or depressed mums, with nothing in between.

Both of these labels put the blame firmly in the mothers' court and stop them and us examining what is at the root of this anger. Here, I briefly explain what maternal anger is, explore some of the underlying reasons behind it occurrence, and offer ways to begin to address it.

Maternal anger and rage refer to a mother’s intense, overwhelming and often seemingly uncontrollable fits of anger (i.e. yelling, screaming, slamming doors etc). Although anger can also show up as withdrawing and stewing, here I focus on the more external and explosive manifestations of anger that cause women so much guilt and shame.

These fits of anger arise out of a variety of triggers and stressors that are too often over-simplified and glossed over as hormonal imbalance, tiredness over the demands of childcare and household responsibilities, conflict with a partner or sleep deprivation.

Mothers often want quick tools and strategies they can implement to calm themselves in the moment. Unfortunately, a few deep-breathing techniques, whilst helpful to calm ourselves down, are unlikely to address the deeper issues that cause anger.

Whilst many traditional anger-management techniques do not work, given the hypnotic nature of anger, easing anger actually requires addressing the issues out of the moment and looking at the bigger picture, that is, addressing the reasons that cause anger in the first place.

Maternal anger and rage arise from a complex interplay of factors, some of which I explain briefly here.

1.     Overwhelm and burnout: Mothers often find themselves juggling multiple roles and relentless responsibilities, from the bulk of childcare and household duties to paid work and personal commitments with little time for themselves and to meet their needs outside of motherhood.

2.     Identity shift: Due to societal messages, women are led to believe that motherhood should be their primary role, at the expense of other parts of their identity that are often put on the back burner. Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, leads to a profound change in a woman’s identity and impacts all areas of her life in a way that is often unacknowledged and misunderstood. This profound change is often ignored and misunderstood, lasting a lifetime (not just the first few months after birth), leaving women with little to no understanding of what they are actually going through, why it is happening and how to navigate it. Often, they only answer they get, if they express any kind of dissatisfaction or struggle with motherhood, is that they are depressed. Unsurprising, since matrescence is often mistaken for depression.

3.     Societal Messages: The message that ‘you can have it all’ often leads to pressure to not just "do it all", but to do it all easily and effortlessly, leading mothers to take on more to prove they can keep up, despite the impact on their physical, mental and emotional health. As a result, normal human needs remain unmet.

4.    Lack of Support: Many mothers mother with little to no help from partners, family members, or society at large, given the societal message that motherhood should be instinctive, natural and easy and that mothers will know just what to do. This leads to mothers feeling undervalued, unsupported, unheard, invisible and like they don’t matter and exacerbates feelings of isolation and resentment and anger.

5.     Unrealistic Societal Expectations of perfect motherhood: Society often perpetuates a myth associated with how a perfect mother should think, feel and behave. The perfect mother should find motherhood effortless, instinctive and natural and should feel entirely fulfilled by her role as mother. She is supposed to be selfless, leading to the ‘martyr mum’ who is expected to show her devotion to her children by running herself into the ground and ignoring her own needs to prove she is a good mum. When reality doesn't align with these idealised images, mothers can feel inadequate and like they are failing, leading them to hide their perceived failure, only for anger to rear its head even more strongly when they take on more to prove that they can measure up.

6.     Socialisation: Girls, women and, in turn, mothers are socialised to believe that expessing anger is bad, leading them to hide it, resist it or push it away and stopping them from exploring what is causing that anger.

7.     Hormonal Changes: Hormonal fluctuations, particularly during pregnancy and the postnatal period,can impact mood and exacerbate feelings of irritability and anger. However, maternal anger is prevalent amongst experienced mothers, i.e. long after the postnatal period such as in mothers of school-age children and teens, due to societal expectations that lead to a gendered division of labour in the home and have mothers carry the bulk of the physical, mental and emotional load.

8.     Trauma: Unresolved trauma can leave us feeling trapped in survival and self-preservation mode that can fuel anger. The unrealistic demands of modern motherhood leave mother depleted, exhausted and burnt out in such a way as to exacerbate traumatic responses.

Understanding that anger is a normal and valid emotion that communicates something about being treated unfairly (injustice) and needing to protect yourself from a perceived attack, amongst other thing, is the first step to exploring maternal anger.

As mentioned above, using a few traditional quick techniques to defuse anger in the moment is unlikely to prove any real help long term. Alongside tools to deal with it in the moment, the bulk of the effort needs to be on addressing out-of-the moment factors .

1.     Dig deep into triggers: Pay attention to the specific situations or events that trigger feelings of anger. For example, for many of my clients, it is not just about the kids not listening. It is also about more broadly feeling undervalued, unheard, invisible and what lies beneath that needs addressing. Really understanding your triggers (beyond the surface) can help you anticipate and manage your emotional responses and meet your broader needs more effectively.

2.     Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and recognise that it's okay to feel angry. No-one is perfect and offering yourself kindness and understanding in moments of distress can help you see that you are not broken or failing and that there are real issues that need addressing.

3.  Communicate Effectively: Express your feelings of anger in a healthy and constructive manner. Use "I" statements to communicate your needs and concerns without blaming or criticising others.

4.     Identify what might be hiding behind anger and what it draws your attention to.

5.     Make meeting your basic human needs a priority: we all have a range of needs that include physical needs such as sleeping and eating well and moving the body. Human needs also include a need for social connection, purpose, autonomy, amongst others, which, if unmet, are likely to trigger anger. Take a good long hard look at what is missing and attempt to re-insert some of these things into your life.

6.     Take Breaks: Give yourself permission to take a break. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it's going for a walk, practising deep breathing exercises, listening to music or talking to a friend.

7.     Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members for actual practical support with childcare and household duties, and to mental health professionals for support, guidance and help with addressing the issues that fuel anger and learning tools that can help to defuse it.

Ultimately, if you have tried multiple anger-management strategies to ease anger and find they don’t work, it is most likely because they are not addressing the root causes of that anger.

It is important to recognise that maternal anger is a common, natural and valid emotion often accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame. By understanding the underlying reasons behind it, addressing those reasons and learning strategies and tools that really help in and out of the moment, mothers can navigate their emotional experiences with greater resilience and self-awareness.

Remember, you are not alone in your struggles, as I see in my group programs. Many other women struggle with anger and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

Maternal anger and rage is a key topic I address with clients both 1:1 and in my group program. If you want to find out more or need help, you can do so here.

Stop telling mums to 'just take a break'

Thu, 14 Mar 2024 04:54:22 GMT

When you are feeling exhausted, depleted and overwhelmed, others may tell you to ‘just take a break’. Yes, you do need a break. If only it were that simple!

As a therapist and a mother, I hear this advice given to mothers over and over again. Instead of being helpful, it can actually be hurtful because actually getting a break can be harder than it sounds.

When someone says ‘just take a break’, it implies that, from their perspective, you have complete control over taking a break and, if you don’t take a break, it is because you choose to be overwhelmed

This advice, whilst well-meaning, oversimplifies the challenges and demands of motherhood.

The reality of taking a break is not that straightforward and exploring some of the reasons why breaks aren't always feasible can actually be helpful.

Anxiety
For new mums and mums of little ones, the idea of being away from the kids can be very anxiety-provoking. The worry about whether your child will be well looked after if you leave him/her with someone else can make any break less than restful and peaceful, as worry thoughts can spiral. Learning to manage your anxiety is essential so it does not get out of control.

Support network
Being able to take a break also requires a strong support network. Even if you do have some support, it's often reserved for essentials like work, appointments or catching up on household chores, not for proper down time. Mums often earn less than their partners, if they have one, or do not earn at all if they are stay-at-home-mums. Childcare is costly. As a result, limited financial and external resources can put mums under more pressure to cope on their own.

Mum guilt
“Why do I want to take a break from my kids? What’s wrong with me? I’m such a bad mum’ A good mum doesn’t need a break from her kids” are common thoughts that plague mums and make it difficult for them to meet their own needs.

This guilt is driven by unrealistic expectations linked to trying to be the perfect mum. Every human being has needs that must be met for them to be well. You are no different, but the myth of the perfect mother tells you that all your needs will be fulfilled by your children.

That message is built into this myth such that, if you need a break, you feel like you are failing.
When a proper break is not an option, it is still essential to find ways to take care of yourself. Long term, a burnt out, depleted, anxious mum is not helpful to you or your children.

When being away from the kids is not an option, here are a few simple mood boosters you can do with the kids in tow:

-Switch off your phone and stay off social media for a while. Social media is a place where judgement and comparison are rife and they only increase anxiety. Making this a regular practice will serve you and your kids in the long run.

- Get outside, take a walk, have some fresh air and vitamin D. Moving the body and having a change of scene can be invigorating.

- Put some music on and dance like no one is watching. This will help ease anxiety.

- When you think you 'should' do XYZ as a mum, ask yourself 'says who?' Challenge the unrealistic expectations and pressures you put on yourself so that you can begin to see that you are doing the best you can and beating yourself up won't help.

These simple things won’t replace a proper break, but they can go some way towards beginning to help to meet your basic needs. And, whether you like it or not, you are a human being with some basic needs that need to be met!

If, however, you feel like you are drowning more often than not, then it might be time to seek support. You can reach out to me directly and/or join the So Much More Than A Mother community.

We can't pretend to like this version of motherhood

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 05:14:48 GMT

• the version in which mothers are overwhelmed, overburdened, carry the bulk of childcare and household duties as well as the mental and emotional load of running a family simply because they are 'the mother' and are told ‘it’s a mother’s job’

• the version in which mothers feel trapped, undervalued, invisible and like they don’t matter

• the version in which mothers are so burnt out and have so many balls to juggle that their basic human needs are not met

• the version in which mothers are told they are good mothers only if they sacrifice themselves, their dreams, their desires to their children, if they devote themselves to their children 100% of the time

• the version in which mothers raise children isolated, disconnected with little to no help, little to no support, little to no community

• the version in which mothers are constantly judged and dragged over the coals for not being perfect mothers, with consequences on mental health, self esteem, levels of anxiety, depression, anger and resentment

• the version in which mothers are pushed to be perfect mothers and led to believe that they are the ones who are broken, the ones who don't measure up , if they can’t reach those unachievable standards of perfection

• the version in which mothers find their careers impacted by the simple fact of having children, face the motherhood penalty that impacts their income, performance evaluations, chances of promotion and likelihood of staying in careers that they have built up prior to motherhood (simply because they are mothers)

• the version in which mothers are told that feeling constantly guilty and not feeling good enough is a normal part of motherhood

•the version in which mothers feel such pressure to be perfect that they silence themselves and hide behind a mask of bliss and joy (the only emotions acceptable in motherhood, it seems) at the expense of their mental health

•the version in which mothers who openly express any kind of struggle with motherhood are told that they are either bad mums or depressed

• the version in which mothers are asked "but you love your children, don't you?", if they express any kind of discomfort, unease, struggle with motherhood

This may be uncomfortable, but this is the reality of modern motherhood for so many mothers and for so many of my clients. It has to be called out because patriarchal motherhood serves no one!

On International Women's Day, the patriarchy is alive and well!

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 05:09:07 GMT

Like many women today, I attended an International Women’s Day event.

It was inspiring to have several women visibly stand up for themselves, recounting stories of overcoming adversity, trauma and seeking to inspire the next generation.

Far less visible were men in the audience. Less than a dozen in a room of hundreds of people!

IWD events have increasingly become groups of women telling other women messages they are already familiar with because they live that reality.

For more progress to be made, men need to step up to the plate, hear about the realities of women’s exclusion and isolation in our society and do something different in daily life.

Why, as someone who works with women and mothers who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, burnout and who feel invisible and undervalued, do I care?

Because mental health does not happen in a vacuum. It is shaped by the patriarchal socio-cultural norms, rules, expectations and beliefs in which we live and into which we are socialised.

Because around 1 in 2 Australian women today are experiencing some level of mental health issues (Liptember Foundation 2023 Women’s mental health report).

Some very chilling context:

In the 2024 Man Box survey conducted by the Jesuit Social services,

28% of 18-30 year old men and 26% of 31-45 year old men believe that it is not good for a boy to be taught how to cook, sew, clean the house or take care of younger children

33% of 18-30 year old men and 28% of 31-45 year old men believe that a man shouldn’t have to do household chores.

42% of 18-30 year old men and 39% of 31-45 year old men believe that, in heterosexual relationships, men should really be the ones to bring money home to provide for their families, not women.

39% of 18-30 year old men and 40% of 31-45 year old men believe that, in heterosexual relationships, a man should always have the final say about decisions in his relationship or marriage.

35% of 18-30 year old men and 33% of 31-45 year old men believe that, if a guy has a girlfriend or wife, he deserves to know where she is all the time.

Right there, in those beliefs, attitudes and behaviours, the patriarchy is alive and well.

Right there is a key reason why women's and mothers' mental health is at crisis point.

Young men also struggle when upholding the ' "man box", a set of “rules” that represent a rigid, outdated and often harmful template for how a “real man” should think, feel, and behave' (Man Box report).

Those who uphold it are:

Over 7 times more likely to frequently experience thoughts of suicide.

6 times more likely to frequently experience thoughts of self-harm

Almost 6 times more likely to be problem gamblers

Almost twice as likely to drink frequently

1.5 times more likely to frequently experience feeling down, depressed, or hopeless

How much worse does it need to get before we all start caring?

YOU ARE DOING GREAT!... (EVEN IF YOU FEEL YOU AREN'T!)

Fri, 31 Mar 2023 01:14:23 GMT

A recent study about baby infant formula not meeting the health requirements the companies claimed they provided shows that many normal aspects of parenting are being pathologised, viewed as or seeming to be somehow medically or psychologically abnormal.

This leads parents, in particular mothers, to feel guilty that they're not doing well enough, that they're failing, that they are falling short.

There's an entire industry that pathologises normal baby behaviour like crying and fussing. There's also a whole industry pathologising normal behaviour during motherhood telling women they should snap back to their pre-baby bodies, that they should get back to work, socialise, exercise, maintain a home, be intimate etc etc, all within weeks, as if nothing had changed, that they should do this, should do that, should be like, this and should be like that.

'Should, should, should, should, should, should, should'… I hear this from clients every day and see the damage this kind of pressure and unrealistic demands causes on their wellbeing, their self- esteem, their mental health.

Babies will cry. They will fuss. Mothers will be depleted and drained and struggle with the shift in their identity when they become mothers. Their sense of self will change and that shift can last for years. All these are normal things that happen. They are not ‘problems’ to be fixed and they certainly don’t show that women are failing!

The thing is becoming a mother is one of the hardest transitions you'll have to make. Everything in your life ill change whether you like it or not, though we are led to believe that it won’t. Pretending they won’t and that giving birth is just a quick pit stop along the way and you’ll snap right back to your pre-baby life is unrealistic and damaging. Nothing in a woman’s life will remain untouched by motherhood, despite what we are led to believe. Pretending otherwise leads mothers to try and meet unrealistic standards. It fuels anxiety, stress, guilt and self-doubt.
Motherhood is not a smooth and blissful ride with every moment to be cherished at all costs and at all times. It is a messy transformation that lasts a lifetime and accepting that will go a long way to understanding why you may feel you are struggling.

Pretending that it is easy, smooth, natural and instinctive, or that it should be, leads mothers to feel there's something wrong with them. You have just brought a human being into the world. That, in and of itself, is huge and tough and that human being will be dependent of on you for years to come, not just for a few weeks. That is also huge…. for years. If things are difficult, if you feel that you aren’t you anymore, if you struggle with any of it, know that there's nothing wrong with you!

Remind yourself of all the things you did well enough (not perfectly, well enough) today, this week, this month. Remind yourself often.

Did someone tell you today but you're doing great?

If not, YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

If you need a chat, get in touch. Email, website, DM in Messenger are all good.

Why isn't my life more instagrammable?

Wed, 11 Jan 2023 06:31:01 GMT

Do you very find yourself getting caught up in comparing yourself to your friends’/your colleagues' beautiful holiday, great job, well-behaved children, bigger, cleaner, immaculate house, ability to juggle so many plates with ease etc etc? Well, you are not alone. We all do it!

Research has shown that we naturally compare our own performance to that of others. We adjust how we see ourselves based on whether we see ourselves in cooperation (which makes us feel good) with others or in competition (which makes us feel bad).

Image by Kseniia Samoylenko on Unsplash

This is because, as animals, our early survival depended on it and our feeling good also depends on it. When we feel on top, we release feel-good serotonin. When we are not, we release cortisol that tells your brain that your survival is threatened.

You will be prompted to do things to feel good. Your brain will punish you with social comparison because it worked for your ancestors in an attempt to try and get you back on top.

But your brain will find what it is looking for and if you are looking for people doing better than you (and there will always be some for every single one of us), you will find them.

So when you understand that this is not a flaw of yours and that your brain is doing this to ensure your survival, you can shift to another thought. You can focus on the pleasure of what you have achieved, your strengths instead of on the pain of what you perceive as your own shortcomings

Now that you know we ALL do it, including the ‘successful’ people:

1. remind yourself you are looking at a partial and carefully-selected picture of their lives.

2. Also remind yourself that somebody's level of success is testament to the hard work they've put in. Success does not come from nothing. What you are being shown on social media is the result of their hard work. They 've worked for it and if you work for 'it' too, you can have that success too.

The key is to define what kind of success you want for yourself, what not you haven’t got that someone else has. Getting clear on what success means to you is key. When you are clear on what type of success you want, you can then reverse engineer it and start deciding what you need to do to achieve it.

3. Also remind yourself that what sort of level of success somebody else has has no actual bearing on you and your life. It is no guide for you to follow and replicate. It is no reflection on you and definitely no threat to you.

If you are a new mother, for example, who has had no experience or exposure to babies and children in her life because she's been busy building her career (well done, by the way!), it makes no sense to compare yourself to someone who's had three children, a lot of support and exposure to children and years to learn what it is to be a mother. So pick your target. What kind of mother do you want to be? What kind of woman do you want to be? And start from there.

4. And if you find yourself comparing yourself to others again (which you will), remind yourself that your brain is doing this for your survival (not because you are flawed) and use their success as inspiration.

The brain loves progress so as long as you're moving forward, it doesn't matter which speed you are going at.

What kind of mother feels grief and sadness after having a child?

Mon, 09 Jan 2023 05:13:25 GMT

‘What kind of mother feels grief and sadness after having a child? This is what, Helen, a therapy and coaching client of mine, said to me in our sessions a few months after becoming a mother.

Helen was about to return to work after a few months on maternity leave. She was a successful training and development senior manager used to running a large team. She had dedicated herself to her career prior to motherhood. When she became a mother, things changed, but not how she had expected.

As a successful career woman who had built her professional identity around competence, efficiency, organisation and intelligence, she had imagined being able to take motherhood in her stride. She was used to solving problems, finding solutions and, importantly, succeeding. For the most part, the concept of failing was foreign to her. Like many career-driven women raised with the post 1960s belief that they can be anything and do anything, she had expected that she would just be able to handle motherhood and slot it within the rest of her life. It became clear that she had very much expected it to be another project she could manage.

Helen had expected motherhood to be easy, natural and instinctive and, in particular, she'd expected it to be successful, by which she meant that she would know what to do and take it all in her stride, returning to work and picking off exactly where she left off. Helen’s expectations are not unusual.

The usual answer to the question ‘what kind of mother feels grief and sadness after having a child’ is 'a bad mother'. Helen clearly was not that. The more accurate answer is 'a mother who does not understand and is not aware of the profound and all-encompassing transformation that a woman goes through when she becomes a mother'.

When we become mothers, we expect to lose our pre-pregnancy figure. We hear a lot about how our bodies will change during pregnancy and after giving birth. We also hear a lot about how you whole world will change in a purely positive way because, it is implied, you will fall utterly and immediately in love with this new human being to whom you've just given birth, and nothing else will matter. You will know exactly what to do and how to be a mother, picking up right where you left off. All will be bliss, though tiring!

What is less talked about is losing your pre-motherhood identity and sense of self and grieving your old life. At some point, usually soon after giving birth, the fact that you are now ‘mum/mom’ will really hit home. It might be a gift you receive with the word ‘Mum/Mom’ on it or the fact that ‘Mum/Mom’ seems to have become your first name, used equally and indiscriminately by the gynaecologist, the midwife or the shop assistant who, seeing you with a pram, asks ‘what would Mum like today’?

The identities that you claimed prior to motherhood, whether senior executive, lawyer, veterinarian, café owner, dancer, academic, volunteer etc, will take second place to the priorities that come with motherhood. If your career has largely defined you pre-motherhood and was pretty much your whole world, it is quite possible that the sudden transition and sudden shift in priorities will shake your foundations and come as a shock.

We hear a lot about the struggle to balance career and motherhood. This usually means balancing the additional demands on your time and energy that motherhood brings. As a society, we celebrate the supermum who appears to juggle her career and motherhood effectively and with ease. Yet, for some mothers, this can be a mask designed to hide the struggle with the identity shift that they are experiencing since they became mothers.

The discussion around balancing career and motherhood rarely addresses the profound and unexpected ways in which our identify shifts when we become mothers. It rarely addresses the fact that you may not recognise yourself, may feel like you've lost a part of yourself.

Helen was grieving her old life, her old self, the person she once was. She struggled with the reality that other parts of her life seemed to have shrivelled up: career, relationships, personal interests, personal time, freedom, independence. Her achievements and who she was seemed to count for little now. She was grieving her old self and her old life and felt confused, guilty and ashamed for feeling this way.

“This is not how motherhood is supposed to be. What kind of mother grieves after having a baby?’, she said. Feeling guilty and at fault, she had not expressed those feelings to anyone.

And therein lies the problem. The idealistic expectations of motherhood lead mothers to expect that motherhood will be easy, natural and instinctive and that their identity will not change, the underlying assumption being that, if a woman does not find it to be so, there is something wrong with her.

The pretence of being completed happy, overjoyed and fulfilled by motherhood at all times and censoring how she truly felt was taking a toll on Helen’s relationships, her mental wellbeing, her health and her sense of self. It highlighted the stigma attached to feeling bad or ambivalent during motherhood.

Where their pre-motherhood identity is rigid and unidimensional (e.g., career woman first and foremost) and with no preparation and little knowledge about how to be a mother, new mothers can find themselves struggling to shift their perception of themselves. This is not restricted to new mothers, though. It can last for years, if not acknowledged and unprocessed. For Helen, grieving her old life and feeling like she had lost part of herself was a sign of failure on her part. It led to her feeling ashamed, guilty, anxious, overwhelmed, inadequate and incompetent. This certainly is not how she wanted to go through motherhood and not how she wanted to feel upon returning to work. This could easily create the conditions for depression.

Helen’s story is not unique. Feeling a sense of loss, grief and ambivalence is perfectly normal. We are conditioned to believe that motherhood is just another role that will come easily and naturally and will supersede anything else in our lives. Yet, the transition to motherhood is a multi-faceted long-term process that has physical, emotional, psychological, social, cultural, spiritual and economic ramifications. It is known as matrescence, a concept revived by Dr Aurelie Athan. This transitional process that can sometimes take years is rarely acknowledged or spoken about.

Women feel huge pressure to suppress and censor any discordant feelings about motherhood. Silencing these feelings and refusing to acknowledge at a societal level that the transition to motherhood is a process that takes time (not just a quick pit stop after which you go back to normal), can be hard and can often leave mothers feeling ambivalent create huge barriers to women speaking up and working through this transition in a healthy way.

Why is this important?

Because according to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, mothers make up a large proportion of working people in Australia: in the 2021 census, 74.7% of couple families with children under 15 have mothers who are employed and 81.1% of single-parent families had an employed single mother. This means that motherhood and the workplace cannot be treated in isolation from each other.

If left unrecognised, unacknowledged and unaddressed, a lack of awareness of women’s shifting identities and of the multi-faceted and profound transition that women experience when becoming mothers can lead to isolation, stress, anxiety, guilt, shame, anger, overwhelm, burnout and, possibly, depression.

As reproductive psychiatrist Dr Alexandra Sacks explains, ‘matrescence is not a disease, but since it's not in the medical vocabulary, since doctors aren't educating people about it, it's being confused with a more serious condition called postpartum depression…. If women understood the natural progression of matrescence, if they knew that most people found it hard to live inside this push and pull, if they knew that under these circumstances, ambivalence was normal and nothing to be ashamed of, they would feel less alone, they would feel less stigmatized, and I think it would even reduce rates of postpartum depression.’

Lack of awareness, misunderstanding and unrealistic expectations of the transition process, not just for new mothers, has the potential to impact a woman's whole life, including her functioning in the workplace, leading to higher rates of absenteeism, reduced productivity and lower return to work rates, possible departure from work or forced career change. Healthy, motivated, engaged and thriving members of a society are fundamental to a functioning workplace and a functioning society, to raising well-adjusted children and to women being able to pursue careers they value. Ultimately, removing the stigma that mothers feel when they struggle with the transition to motherhood and normalising this struggle is beneficial not all, not just for mothers. It starts with normalising the reality for mothers and helping them realise they are not failing, they are not broken.

If you are struggling with the transition to motherhood and feel like you are grieving your old self and your old life (even if you have returned to work) and want help, get in touch and book your free consult here.

Mothers, give to yourself first or there won't be enough of you to go around!

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 04:23:33 GMT

Christmas is a time for giving, right? For mothers, it often means giving so much of themselves physically, emotionally, mentally to others that they have nothing left for themselves.

There is a belief out there that a good mother should be selfless.

Remember that you are human too and that, when you expend energy, you need to recharge. So this season, see:

where you can say no to something or someone (the world is not going to end) ⁠
where you can ask for help
where you can just drop something, i.e., just leave it off the list and not do it
how you can make time for you and your priorities

Give to yourself first or there won't be enough of you to go around!

How to free yourself from ‘negative’ emotions in 90 seconds

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 03:56:29 GMT

You wake up in the morning and straight away, your mind goes into overdrive: ‘I can’t believe what she said to me!, ‘she must think I am a really bad mum’, ‘how dare she criticise me;, ‘I should be a better mum’ and on it goes.

You feel angry at this woman who said something to you and the more you replay what she said in your mind, the angrier you get. The anger gets reignited every time you think about it and when one of your children ask you for something, you snap at them. This, you are sure, confirms that you are a bad mum. And then the loop grows even bigger.

I get it. Feeling emotions is scary. They don’t feel good. They are so uncomfortable and they seem to be in control of you rather than you in control of them! In the last 10 years of seeing therapy clients, I have seen this time and again. People worry about these ‘negative’ emotions and they don’t know what to do to stop them.

Most of my clients want these emotions to go away. To be fair, before I trained as a therapist, I was exactly the same. I didn’t want to feel these uncomfortable and I was too busy to feel them. I did my best to avoid them, usually by burying myself in work. For my clients, it can be avoiding them by drinking a glass of wine… or 2 or 3, eating a whole pack of biscuits, watching parenting videos to be a better mum etc etc.

So I set about understanding what was going on and training as therapist along with seeing thousands of clients helped me to see emotions differently. Emotions are not negative. They serve a purpose and, if you really listen, you will hear what they are trying to communicate to you so you can do something about it.

I developed a way to help clients take control of their emotions and it starts with understanding that emotions are simply chemical reactions in the body that will dissolve after about 90 seconds, as neuroscientist Dr Jill Bolte Taylor’s research showed.

If after 90 seconds, they persist, they are sustained by your thinking. In other words, what you feel after the first 90 seconds is a new loop that is activated by your thoughts.

The challenge with letting this continue is that your mind will keep you trapped into this emotional spiral loop after loop after loop and will continue to impair your decision-making, like snapping at your kids when they have done nothing wrong, but you are consumed by your thoughts about what that woman said and you explode.

So how to stop this emotional spiral? Over the years, I have taught my clients to become detectives and gather the clues to their emotions. If you are willing to spend time observing what is going on in the body, you, like my clients, will get a handle on this.

As with everything, the first step is awareness. It requires you to identify the emotion you are feeling. Contrary to what people think, there is no universal blueprint for emotions. No particular feeling or sensation is associated with a given emotion. It varies from person to person and is context specific. It means that you need to spend time examining what you are feeling specifically. If, for example, you are feeling angry, what are the specific physical sensations you are experiencing and where in the body? Perhaps you feel a tightness in the chest, a sensation of heat over your body or in your face. Perhaps you feel something else altogether. The point is that only you can identify those sensations because only you inhabit your body.

For sure, if you have been avoiding feeling your emotions, that can feel a bit scary. However, emotions are not dangerous. There are ways to do this like meditation. If that doesn’t jibe with you though. You can also simply sit somewhere quiet and just tune into the body for a minute or 90 seconds, mentally scanning the body and identifying what you feel where. Like everything else, it requires practice. The more you get in touch with your body, the easier it will be to recognise what you feel and to actually feel it without fearing it. It is just practice and adopting the attitude of a detective can really take the sting out of this. The more you do this, the better you will get at identifying what you are feeling and recognising it is just a cycle in progress.

As you sit there identifying what sensations you feel in your body, pay attention to the thoughts that accompany those sensations and become aware of the mental triggers.

Next, name it to tame it. Basically, label that emotion. That particular combination of sensations you are experiencing will be, for you, an emotion. Learn to recognise the combination and to name it. That said, bear in mind that particular sensations can be associated with different emotions. For example, a sensation of heat can be associated with anger, embarrassment, frustration or anxiety, to name a few. Remember too that sensations and emotions are context-specific. The rapid breathing, quickening pulse and heartbeat can occur in situations of anxiety or during exercise or during sex. Yet, you would not label them all anxiety. Or if you do, you may want to rethink that sexual encounter!

This is why you need to practice recognising the combinations of sensations you experience so you can identify the context in which they occur and what might trigger them.

Naming an emotion is important, but it can be hard, as you can feel multiple emotions simultaneously. So recognising what you actually feel and in which context requires you to practice. Like everything, it will get easier.

Next, try sitting with these sensations, knowing that they will dissolve. For example, stare at a clock or a painting or a tree swaying in the breeze for 90 seconds, focusing your attention on the clock and notice how, after that time, the sensations have subsided or perhaps dissolved. If you are willing to sit with them and not resist them, these sensations will dissolve. If you resist them and wish them away, they will persist or even intensify.

The more you learn to just observe these sensations, labelling them and letting them be, the better you will get at letting the emotions flush out of your system. Simply knowing they will dissolve and treating the emotions with the attitude of a detective can be very helpful here.

Do have a go at practising this and let me know how you get on. I’d love to know.

Mothers scared to speak up

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 05:25:23 GMT

A common theme in my clinical practice is the extent to which mothers are afraid to express what a shock motherhood has been, and might still be years on, to them. Amongst the things they fear expressing are: the fact that they struggle with motherhood (mothers are supposed to enjoy it), that they feel competing emotions about it (mothers are supposed to feel happy and joyful), the limitations that it places on their lives, time, freedom, careers (mothers are supposed to sacrifice themselves, their needs, dreams and careers to their children), the impact it has on their sense of self (mothers are supposed to find motherhood easy and not be changed by it) and their place in the world (mothers are supposed to put their children first at all times at and do so with a smile on their faces), the extent to which it creates social isolation and loneliness ()mothers are supposed to feel entirely fulfilled by motherhood and need nothing or nobody outside motherhood) and how it limits their options to define who they want to be (mothers are supposed to be satisfied in their role as mother and not want anything more for themselves). Women have internalised the rigid ideal mother stereotype so deeply that they are scared to express any dissatisfaction with motherhood (beyond being sleep-deprived and overly busy). They internalise this conflict, which can fuel mental overload and mental health issues.

None of these issues take place in a vacuum. They occur in a social and cultural context that makes it very difficult for women/mothers to express openly that motherhood is a struggle and to recognise that the struggle is real and that they are not alone in experiencing it.

Awareness is always the first step to change. Awareness involves an understanding of the wider social and cultural context within which the role and rules of motherhood operate (see blog post on motherhood as identity shift/crisis). It also involves an understanding of the ways in which struggles such as these show up as anxiety, stress, self doubt, anger and how these operate (see blog post on understanding anxiety, for starters).

MOTHERHOOD AS IDENTITY SHIFT/CRISIS

Thu, 15 Dec 2022 05:04:15 GMT

The typical view of motherhood is that it is pure joy. From the moment, you are pregnant, you are supposed to bask in the glory of your upcoming, and most significant (we are told) role in life: being a mother. The moment the baby is born, you are supposed to feel an uncontrollable, natural surge of unconditional love. The moment the baby is born, you are supposed to retreat as an individual and be entirely consumed with the baby’s needs, forgetting yourself, your needs, desires, and aspirations. You are supposed to no longer claim space in our society as someone who matters in her own right. You are supposed to have few needs of your own and be happy to sacrifice them at the altar of your child. You are supposed to do it all with a smile on your face.

From early childhood, we (men and women alike), as members of a society, are exposed to the idea that motherhood is a woman’s calling, the ultimate achievement and fulfilment. Alongside, we are exposed to the idea that motherhood is a purely joyful and positive experience. We are told that motherhood is the indispensable condition that women need to meet in order to express their true nature. Being sterile is, to this day, still depicted as a woman’s worst fate, a flaw that will reflect in her personality.

Motherhood is depicted as an easy, natural, instinctive and happy experience. The stereotype of the happy, fulfilled mother is ingrained in us from early childhood. Because of this, motherhood is also depicted as a generic experience, the same for all women. This is the only model to which women are expected to aspire.

The purpose of a society is to reproduce itself. It does this through roles, norms, standards and expectations and through consequences and punishment for breaching the rules. Depicting motherhood as a happy, positive, natural and instinctive experience is one way in which society maintains and reproduces itself. This view of motherhood strips the whole experience of women’s actual experiences. It deprives us of the opportunity to experience childbirth and motherhood as a personal and subjective experience. Indeed, allowing motherhood to be depicted a very personal and subjective experience (which involves the possibility that many women’s reality may differ from the presented norm) opens the door to women being able to begin to tear down the stereotype of the happy, fulfilled mother upon which the reproduction of society is based.

The depiction of happy, easy motherhood represents an attempt to deprive a mother of her individual voice, of the opportunity to express her divergent views or experience of motherhood. If she dares contradict the accepted view, she will be the one depicted as flawed and inadequate and labelled a bad mother or a depressed one. There is no room left for her struggles to be seen as a normal part of motherhood.

The dominant discourse about women’s biological ability to carry babies and feed them is extrapolated and projected onto, and confused with, another area of maternal experience: child rearing, mothering and children’s education.

Whilst women’s biological ability to have children is a fact, that they should be entirely responsible for the care, upbringing and education of the children is not. Womanhood is not synonymous with motherhood and motherhood is not synonymous with childcare responsibilities. Yet, our society still views these activities as women’s work. Rather, the social and cultural, not biological, expectation that women will assume childcare and mothering responsibilities is part of the ways in which a moral, social and cultural drive for social control and order is expressed and maintained.

Despite the progress made by the feminist movement of the 1960s, the representation of motherhood remains a dichotomous one: the good mother vs the bad mother. It is a black and white picture that does not permit shades of grey within which women can place their personal, subjective and divergent experiences of motherhood. Mothers have been forced to pick one of two sides. Those who side with the good mother ideology are forced to adhere almost unconditionally to social and cultural stereotypes and to over-identify with social representations of the pre-established maternal role described above. This, in turn, requires them to mother in an impersonal way, following the rules, behaviours and standards that fit the image of the good mother. Social media is full of these polished and sanitised images of motherhood. There is no room for finding your own way in this model.

One of the behaviours associated with the ideal mother model is the suppression of the expression of any dissatisfaction with motherhood. In other words, she actively keeps silent about her struggles and internalises them as a personal failure.

What does this have to do with mental health and wellbeing?

Mothers simply cannot avoid the contradiction of the myths of motherhood. If motherhood is portrayed as the fulfilment of female nature (‘how I should be as a mother’) rather than a period of identity shift/crisis (how do I feel about this new situation for which I did not prepare, what does it all mean for me and how do I find my own way through this’), women will internalise any struggle with it as a sign of personal deficiency and incompetence and feel inadequate, incapable, unworthy and like failures.

Some of the consequences and punishments used to short-circuit expressions of dissonant motherhood include judgement and harsh criticism, attempt at censorship and self-silencing. Those who dare express a divergent view are shut down, criticised and judged for their choices, as many mothers find on social media. In this context, mothers will most likely choose to remain silent (self-silence) and struggle alone with feelings of frustration, anxiety, guilt, self-doubt, resentment, and anger. Sustained internalised struggles fester and can lead to isolation, depression and potentially trauma.

Tips for stress and anxiety

Fri, 21 Oct 2022 03:59:24 GMT

As stress and anxiety are physical and mental processes, you may find the following strategies helpful to minimise stress and anxiety in your daily life.

1. Be aware that anxiety is a learned behaviour
When you feel any of those old unwanted sensations, look around and reassure yourself that there are no dangers and take your mind to somewhere relaxing. This recording will do that. The more you do this, the easier it will be for your mind to switch to calmer thoughts and for unpleasant sensations in the body to ease.

2. Move the body/Exercise for 30 minutes per day - PREFERABLY outside
It has been proven that exercise is an effective strategy for overcoming stress and anxiety. It also has a significant effect on your wellbeing and happiness. Exercise needn't be the gym. A walk, a dance in the loungeroom, active gardening etc can be hugely beneficial forms of exercise/movement.

3. Get plenty of sleep
Good quality sleep is essential for a healthy mind and body. Insufficient sleep can have a detrimental effect on your mood. Sleep deprivation increases anxiety and stress levels. It makes it more difficult to think clearly and rationally and can increase negative thinking.

4. Eat healthy meals - choose nutritious foods, and limit your sugar, alcohol and caffeine intake
As stress and anxiety are physiological, stimulants such as sugar, coffee, alcohol etc may have a significant impact on stress levels and sleep quality.

5. Focus on the good, joyful stuff in your life
Building a set of neural pathways so that your brain begins to default to feelings of joy/calm and relaxation comes from training your mind to go to nice places and good feelings. It requires repeated practice. As you repeatedly train your brain to focus on good feelings (through this recording, for example), it will notice them more and more often. So whenever you notice yourself feeling particularly good, take a moment to acknowledge how good it feels and simply say out loud: “I feel good!”.

6. Shift your focus
Shift your focus onto something else for a few moments. It can be a good way to fend off any sudden symptoms of anxiety. It can allow you to step back from the situation.
Practise any one of the techniques below for a few minutes and you will find that sudden symptoms will dissipate.

Select the technique you prefer:

Visualise being in your favourite place/favourite holiday destination, close your eyes and imagine every aspect of that place - what it looks like, sounds like and feels like to be there (the recording will help with that)
Count backwards with your eyes closed from 300 in 3s (300, 297, 294 etc) - if you forget where you were, simply pick up where you think you left off or start again, and allow your mind to wander to wherever it chooses
Engage in an “Active activity” i.e., having a walk, or creative activity, like drawing or painting

7. Listen to a relaxation recording such as that on this website. It is designed to help your mind and body calm down and will retrain your nervous system to slow down.