An Uncomfortable Truth: maternal Anger and Rage

Anger

Our society is obsessed with mothers experiencing joy and bliss. Adverts depict mums smiling, even though the kids have made a serious hole in the ceiling, or laughing at a huge mess that will require a lot of cleaning, joyfully cooking daily from scratch and revelling in every moment.

Movies show mothers happy and calm, despite doing the bulk of the household and childcare duties alongside their paid jobs for which there is always a major deadline that they somehow navigate easily, despite being depleted, getting little sleep or help.

​Yet, away from the world of Hollywood and social media influencers, for so many, the tender moments can seriously be tempered by anger.

Although anger is a natural, normal, valid human emotion associated with injustice and protection, maternal anger is often misunderstood and shrouded in guilt and shame, hidden and experienced alone.

Anger is a complex emotion that can often mask other emotions such as fear, anxiety or guilt. Understanding what is at the root of it and what it communicates is therefore essential.

Many of my mother clients struggle with anger. They often report being shamed and told that they are crazy, that there is something wrong with them and being placed at either end of a spectrum: either bad mums or depressed mums, with nothing in between.

Both of these labels put the blame firmly in the mothers' court and stop them and us examining what is at the root of this anger. Here, I briefly explain what maternal anger is, explore some of the underlying reasons behind it occurrence, and offer ways to begin to address it.

Maternal anger and rage refer to a mother’s intense, overwhelming and often seemingly uncontrollable fits of anger (i.e. yelling, screaming, slamming doors etc). Although anger can also show up as withdrawing and stewing, here I focus on the more external and explosive manifestations of anger that cause women so much guilt and shame.

These fits of anger arise out of a variety of triggers and stressors that are too often over-simplified and glossed over as hormonal imbalance, tiredness over the demands of childcare and household responsibilities, conflict with a partner or sleep deprivation.  

Mothers often want quick tools and strategies they can implement to calm themselves in the moment. Unfortunately, a few deep-breathing techniques, whilst helpful to calm ourselves down, are unlikely to address the deeper issues that cause anger.

Whilst many traditional anger-management techniques do not work, given the hypnotic nature of anger, easing anger actually requires addressing the issues out of the moment and looking at the bigger picture, that is, addressing the reasons that cause anger in the first place.   

Maternal anger and rage arise from a complex interplay of factors, some of which I explain briefly here.

1.     Overwhelm and burnout: Mothers often find themselves juggling multiple roles and relentless responsibilities, from the bulk of childcare and household duties to paid work and personal commitments with little time for themselves and to meet their needs outside of motherhood.

2.     Identity shift:  Due to societal messages, women are led to believe that motherhood should be their primary role, at the expense of other parts of their identity that are often put on the back burner. Matrescence, the process of becoming a mother, leads to a profound change in a woman’s identity and impacts all areas of her life in a way that is often unacknowledged and misunderstood.  This profound change is often ignored and misunderstood, lasting a lifetime (not just the first few months after birth), leaving women with little to no understanding of what they are actually going through, why it is happening and how to navigate it. Often, they only answer they get, if they express any kind of dissatisfaction or struggle with motherhood, is that they are depressed. Unsurprising, since matrescence is often mistaken for depression.

3.     Societal Messages: The message that ‘you can have it all’ often leads to pressure to not just "do it all", but to do it all easily and effortlessly, leading mothers to take on more to prove they can keep up, despite the impact on their physical, mental and emotional health. As a result, normal human needs remain unmet.

4.    Lack of Support: Many mothers mother with little to no help from partners, family members, or society at large, given the societal message that motherhood should be instinctive, natural and easy and that mothers will know just what to do. This leads to mothers feeling undervalued, unsupported, unheard, invisible and like they don’t matter and exacerbates feelings of isolation and resentment and anger.

5.     Unrealistic Societal Expectations of perfect motherhood: Society often perpetuates a myth associated with how a perfect mother should think, feel and behave. The perfect mother should find motherhood effortless, instinctive and natural and should feel entirely fulfilled by her role as mother. She is supposed to be selfless, leading to the ‘martyr mum’ who is expected to show her devotion to her children by running herself into the ground and ignoring her own needs to prove she is a good mum. When reality doesn't align with these idealised images, mothers can feel inadequate and like they are failing, leading them to hide their perceived failure, only for anger to rear its head even more strongly when they take on more to prove that they can measure up.

6.     Socialisation: Girls, women and, in turn, mothers are socialised to believe that expessing anger is bad, leading them to hide it, resist it or push it away and stopping them from exploring what is causing that anger.  

7.     Hormonal Changes: Hormonal fluctuations, particularly during pregnancy and the postnatal period,can impact mood and exacerbate feelings of irritability and anger. However, maternal anger is prevalent amongst experienced mothers, i.e. long after the postnatal period such as in mothers of school-age children and teens, due to societal expectations that lead to a gendered division of labour in the home and have mothers carry the bulk of the physical, mental and emotional load.

8.     Trauma: Unresolved trauma can leave us feeling trapped in survival and self-preservation mode that can fuel anger. The unrealistic demands of modern motherhood leave mother depleted, exhausted and burnt out in such a way as to exacerbate traumatic responses.   

Understanding that anger is a normal and valid emotion that communicates something about being treated unfairly (injustice) and needing to protect yourself from a perceived attack, amongst other thing, is the first step to exploring maternal anger.  

As mentioned above, using a few traditional quick techniques to defuse anger in the moment is unlikely to prove any real help long term. Alongside tools to deal with it in the moment, the bulk of the effort needs to be on addressing out-of-the moment factors . 

1.     Dig deep into triggers: Pay attention to the specific situations or events that trigger feelings of anger. For example, for many of my clients, it is not just about the kids not listening. It is also about more broadly feeling undervalued, unheard, invisible and what lies beneath that needs addressing. Really understanding your triggers (beyond the surface) can help you anticipate and manage your emotional responses and meet your broader needs more effectively.

2.     Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself and recognise that it's okay to feel angry. No-one is perfect and offering yourself kindness and understanding in moments of distress can help you see that you are not broken or failing and that there are real issues that need addressing.

3.  Communicate Effectively: Express your feelings of anger in a healthy and constructive manner. Use "I" statements to communicate your needs and concerns without blaming or criticising others.

4.     Identify what might be hiding behind anger and what it draws your attention to.

5.     Make meeting your basic human needs a priority: we all have a range of needs that include physical needs such as sleeping and eating well and moving the body.  Human needs also include a need for social connection, purpose, autonomy, amongst others, which, if unmet, are likely to trigger anger.  Take a good long hard look at what is missing and attempt to re-insert some of these things into your life.

6.     Take Breaks: Give yourself permission to take a break. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, whether it's going for a walk, practising deep breathing exercises, listening to music or talking to a friend.

7.     Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members for actual practical support with childcare and household duties, and to mental health professionals for support, guidance and help with addressing the issues that fuel anger and learning tools that can help to defuse it.

Ultimately, if you have tried multiple anger-management strategies to ease anger and find they don’t work, it is most likely because they are not addressing the root causes of that anger.

It is important to recognise that maternal anger is a common, natural and valid emotion often accompanied by feelings of guilt and shame. By understanding the underlying reasons behind it, addressing those reasons and learning strategies and tools that really help in and out of the moment, mothers can navigate their emotional experiences with greater resilience and self-awareness.

Remember, you are not alone in your struggles, as I see in my group programs. Many other women struggle with anger and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.
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Maternal anger and rage is a key topic I address with clients both 1:1 and in my group program. If you want to find out more or need help, you can do so here.