Feeling stuck?

​So many people feel really stuck, agonising over which decision to make, and swimming in stress, anxiety, worry, overthinking, anger, fretful sleep and even depression.

Image by Mario Azzi on Unsplash

Amongst my clients, some are in the midst of their marriage/relationship crumbling, agonising over whether to stay or leave.

Others are debating whether to return to work or not after maternity leave. Others whether to resign or not because juggling career and motherhood is relentless. Others whether to leave or not a controlling relationship.

All are hard situations. Each of these clients felt stuck, having struggled for months to make a decision.

Each one of them was waiting to feel that ‘the’ decision was right before they made any decision.

Feeling stuck means we live in uncertainty and the human brain really does not like uncertainty.

It causes us to feel anxious, struggling to breathe, feeling tightness in our chest and shoulders, fuzziness in the mind.

We can feel fidgety, on edge, agitated, restless and those feelings make it harder for us to think straight and make clear decisions.

One thing that I personally find very useful and that I share with my clients is to remind myself when I feel stuck that clarity comes AFTER action.

It is not chicken and egg. One must come before the other.

When you feel stuck, clarity about whether a decision is right or wrong usually only comes much further down the line.

Say, you invest money in stock and shares, you won't know whether your investment will pay off until much, much later.

There are things you can do to mitigate the risks, but you won't know for sure whether your investment will pay off for a long time.

Since we often don't know how our decisions will turn out until much later, waiting to know that things will work out before you do anything is a recipe for staying stuck.

The thing is, feeling better come AFTER action. Clarity comes AFTER action.

We often wait for the feelings to come before we start doing something and this waiting is what keeps us stuck and experiencing uncomfortable feelings. We’ve got it the wrong way around!

For example, clients often say to me that they wait until they feel confident before doing something new or something that scares them or that they feel unsure about.

But, confidence comes from action, from doing. The more you do the thing, the better at it you get and the more confident you feel.

I know that. You know that. We all know that. Yet, we often forget it.

People know that to feel confident about something you have to practise it, repeat it until you become competent at it.

That’s how you learned to walk, talk, ride a bike, drive a car and everything else you do well in your life.

The sme applies to motivation. People often wait to feel motivated before they go to the gym. It is the action of going that gives you motivation.

The more you go, the more motivated you will feel and the more you will go, if you experience the gym as a beneficial thing.

I, for one, never feel motivated to go to the gym:), but I don't value the gym, but I do feel motivated to do yoga, because the more I do it, the better I feel and the better I feel, the more motivated I am to do it. That's how it works!

Waiting to feel motivated before you go will result in you not going.

The same applies to anxiety. Anxiety will subside when you take action on the SPECIFIC thing that worries you, communicating to the brain that that thing is being taken care of and that loop can begin to close.

The same applies to anger. If you do not take action to address what is at the root of the anger (and it is not the kids not listening, though that can be very frustrating!), you will feel stuck in the anger that will keep rising over and over again.

When we feel stuck, we often struggle to do anything. Hence indecision!

We often stay in the yucky feelings. We avoid these uncomfortable feelings and resist them, wanting them to go away.

That just makes it all worse and then, we feel even more debilitated because the feelings we were trying to avoid come back up even stronger.

So whether you're struggling with what to do when it looks like your relationship is coming to an end or feeling anxiety about going to places where there are new people or what to do about a bullying boss or whatever is keeping you stuck, remember that clarity comes after action, that feeling better comes after action.

In short, take action. Do something!

However, there is one more twist. When we are stuck, we feel out of control and we can seek to exert control in various ways.

For example, turning to food or alcohol or endless scrolling will not ease the anxiety.

Or giving your partner the silent treatment will not ease the discomfort you are feeling.

That's trying to exert control in the wrong place!

A client reported to me how going out with friends (the action she took) did not help her feel unstuck with whether to stay or leave her marriage.

Of course, not, because, whilst it was a beneficial thing to do for herself, it is not directly related to doing something specific about her marriage problems.

Taking action doesn't mean doing any old random thing or latching on to the one thing you are drawn to want to control at that time.

In therapy sessions, for example, exerting control in the wrong place can look like clients trying to control the direction of the session and insisting we work on one thing when it is clear they need to work on another.

Uncertainty and fear have taken over and the need to control one thing (anything) feels temporarily better, until they realise that the thing they are avoiding keeps coming up.

So, taking action means

• focusing specifically on THE thing that is causing you to feel the way you do (the yucky thing you don’t want to deal with, but needs your attention),
• identifying specifically what needs to be addressed (the feeling is not the problem),
• identifying what you can do about it
• and then (that's the kicker!) …. go and do that!

If the action is related to the actual root of the problem, that is, the actual need not being met that the yucky feeling is signalling,

then the yucky feelings will subside and new somewhat more pleasant feelings will arise.

If the action you take is about distracting yourself, avoiding or resisting or otherwise attempting to exert control on matters unrelated to the problem,

then the yucky feelings will resurface….and with a vengeance, the more you avoid it.

So, doing something does not mean doing just anything.

This is not the same as jumping out of a plane without a parachute. 

If the action is directly linked to the underlying cause of the problem, the action will be your parachute and you will feel a little better.

The mind can calm down because a loop has been closed, as the problem is beginning to be addressed.

So, when I feel stuck, I remind myself that clarity and feeling better are on the other side of taking action, that I have not taken action and that I need to do so.

It can be hard and scary, for sure, but we can all do hard things. Then, the reward comes.

Where are you feeling stuck and what SPECIFICALLY can you do to address that?