Stop telling mums to 'just take a break'

When you are feeling exhausted, depleted and overwhelmed, others may tell you to ‘just take a break’.  Yes, you do need a break. If only it were that simple!

​As a therapist and a mother, I hear this advice given to mothers over and over again. Instead of being helpful, it can actually be hurtful because actually getting a break can be harder than it sounds.

When someone says ‘just take a break’, it implies that, from their perspective, you have complete control over taking a break and, if you don’t take a break, it is because you choose to be overwhelmed

This advice, whilst well-meaning, oversimplifies the challenges and demands of motherhood.

The reality of taking a break is not that straightforward and exploring some of the reasons why breaks aren't always feasible can actually be helpful.

Anxiety
For new mums and mums of little ones, the idea of being away from the kids can be very anxiety-provoking. The worry about whether your child will be well looked after if you leave him/her with someone else can make any break less than restful and peaceful, as worry thoughts can spiral.  Learning to manage your anxiety is essential so it does not get out of control.

Support network
Being able to take a break also requires a strong support network. Even if you do have some support, it's often reserved for essentials like work, appointments or catching up on household chores, not for proper down time. Mums often earn less than their partners, if they have one, or do not earn at all if they are stay-at-home-mums.  Childcare is costly. As a result, limited financial and external resources can put mums under more pressure to cope on their own.

Mum guilt
 “Why do I want to take a break from my kids? What’s wrong with me? I’m such a bad mum’ A good mum doesn’t need a break from her kids” are common thoughts that plague mums and make it difficult for them to meet their own needs.

This guilt is driven by unrealistic expectations linked to trying to be the perfect mum. Every human being has needs that must be met for them to be well. You are no different, but the myth of the perfect mother tells you that all your needs will be fulfilled by your children.

That message is built into this myth such that, if you need a break, you feel like you are failing.
When a proper break is not an option, it is still essential to find ways to take care of yourself. Long term, a burnt out, depleted, anxious mum is not helpful to you or your children.

When being away from the kids is not an option, here are a few simple mood boosters you can do with the kids in tow:

-Switch off your phone and stay off social media for a while. Social media is a place where judgement and comparison are rife and they only increase anxiety. Making this a regular practice will serve you and your kids in the long run.

- Get outside, take a walk, have some fresh air and vitamin D. Moving the body and having a change of scene can be invigorating.

- Put some music on and dance like no one is watching. This will help ease anxiety.

- When you think you 'should' do XYZ as a mum, ask yourself 'says who?' Challenge the unrealistic expectations and pressures you put on yourself so that you can begin to see that you are doing the best you can and beating yourself up won't help. 

These simple things won’t replace a proper break, but they can go some way towards beginning to help to meet your basic needs. And, whether you like it or not, you are a human being with some basic needs that need to be met!
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If, however, you feel like you are drowning more often than not, then it might be time to seek support.  You can reach out to me directly and/or join the So Much More Than A Mother community.