Why, as a career woman, you may struggle with motherhood

Becoming a mother is a transformative experience, one often assumed to be filled primarily with joy and bliss. However, if you are a career woman, such as many of my clients, the transition to motherhood can present unique obstacles that can shake your confidence and sense of self.

Identify shift:  It is common for women to feel like they have lost themselves after becoming mothers and to feel like they have spit in two: the pre-baby woman and the mother. Successful career women have often built their identity around competence, efficiency, organisation and intelligence. Many of my clients report having imagined being able to take motherhood in their stride, at times treating it as a project to be planned, controlled and accomplished and being shocked that the reality did not match their expectations.

When pre-motherhood identity is unidimensional (career woman first and foremost), it can leave you unprepared for the chaotic, challenging and demanding realities of motherhood and for how your identity and priorities will shift. For many, it can feel like their foundations have been shaken and that they are now operating on shaky grounds.

Further, as society pushes the idea that motherhood is natural, easy and instinctive and that you will know what to do just because you are a woman (this is a myth), women are often familiar with the physical changes that motherhood will bring such as hormonal and bodily changes as well as sleep deprivation. However, they are often unprepared for the much wider impacts that motherhood will have on the way they think, feel and behave, on their relationships with their partners, if they have one, their family of origin, their friends and colleagues, on the way others perceive them, on their financial situation, on their personal and professional priorities, on the mental and emotional load they will carry and on their sense of self.

Contrary to popular belief, this profound shift in who you are and in all areas of your life is not limited to new mothers. It does not end after the first few months.  You do not pick up after maternity leave just where you left off. Instead, it continues for many years, as mothers constantly have to adapt to each stage of motherhood. It is important to learn about how motherhood will change every area of your life so that you can be prepared and put the right support in place for the long term.


Loss of recognition: Whilst high-achieving women are used to being recognised and validated for their accomplishments, many mothers report feeling undervalued, invisible and like they don’t matter, as the childcare and household duties alongside the mental load that mothers carry often go unnoticed. This can be hard for women who are used to receiving external validation for their accomplishments, leading them to question their worth and sense of self. It is important to do the inner work to be able to experience internal validation and seek help from trusted friends, loved ones and professionals so you can build your strengths and explore who you really are outside the professional accolades.


Societal expectations: Societal expectations have women believe that they will be utterly fulfilled by motherhood and that all their needs will be met by having children. Yet, career women can struggle to reconcile the role of mother and the mundane day-to-day mothering tasks with their pre-baby identity and high-powered work projects, leaving them to feel that they are not doing anything valuable and that there is something wrong with them for wanting more.  It is not uncommon to hear career women who have left work to say they  are 'just a mum'.

It is important for women to recognise that having all your needs met entirely by your children is a fallacy, that your identity is multifaceted and that facets, interests and passions beyond motherhood need to be explored and pursued for women to remain connected to who they are.


It is also important to recognise that, as the workplace is, by and large, not set up to accommodate the demands of motherhood, mothers can feel under extreme pressure to meet both the relentless demands of motherhood and the demands of their jobs. Devotion to both careers and motherhood is demanded, leading to isolation, self doubt, burnout and often, anger and resentment.

   
Loss of control: Career women are used to solving problems, finding solutions and, importantly, succeeding. This requires a high degree of control of their lives and environment. Bringing a baby into the mix often means uncertainty, unpredictability and loss of control. In the first few years, there can be a loss of control of your time, your independence, your spontaneity, your social life, and perhaps your income, if you decide to be a stay-at-home mum for a while. ‘Success’ in motherhood is extremely hard to measure, as children may not behave in ways women had imagined or fit the image they had in mind.

Further, women’s devotion to their career and long working hours may also mean that they may have had little contact with children prior to becoming mothers themselves, leaving them unprepared for how much they will have to adapt their day, their routine and their lives. Loosening rigid notions of what motherhood should be like and how children should behave, Recognising that you can't control your children (even if you felt you could control a team or a board of directors at work), that you can't do it all by yourself and that you still matter will mean being prepared to ask for help, which will go a long way towards protecting your sanity.


Perfectionism: Whilst career women often strive for perfection, imperfection is a huge part of motherhood. The pursuit of excellence in the form of the perfect bedtime routine, sleep and eating patterns, perfect behaviour as children grow up and trying to live up to the image of the perfect mother into which we are socialised can lead to both internal and external conflict, as children push back against too much rigidity, and feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, anxiety and a sense of failure can rage inside.

Setting realistic expectations around being a good enough mother, not a perfect mother, getting clear on your values and your boundaries (both of which may have changed after you became a mother) and being open to the idea that no woman has this motherhood role nailed will help.      


Isolation: Being devoted to their careers can mean being away from immediate family or a support network. Career women often move across cities or countries and can find themselves isolated, lonely and overwhelmed. Motherhood can also mean a loss of social life, particularly if their social network involved primarily other career people who are equally career-focused and/or childless women. It is essential to recognise that you will not be the only one struggling and to seek an appropriate support network (one that goes beyond how to look after the baby) where you can express your struggles and feel seen, heard and supported. Beyond mothers’ groups that can focus on the baby, there are supportive, non-judgemental and safe mother-centred women’s circles, women’s programs and therapy/coaching groups both face to face and online that can help.

If any of this resonates, know that you are not alone in your struggles, that there is nothing wrong with you and that, with awareness and understanding of the actual realities of (working) motherhood and the shifts it entails, kindness towards yourself and the right support and guidance, you can reconnect with yourself and feel seen, heard and valued and navigate  motherhood on your own terms.